Choose Your Own Adventure: Mystery of the Microwave

Choose Your Own Adventure: Microwave of Danger

Kansas City – Your Apartment – You are Brad Pitt a couple years out of college and in the working world.

-Chapter 1-
You have just moved into your new apartment and are situating furniture and small appliances. There is limited space in the kitchen so you aren’t quite sure where to put the microwave. There is a spot on the counter, within easy reach that will accommodate the appliance but you are also eyeballing the spot above the fridge.
Do you put the microwave on top of the fridge? If yes, keep reading. If no, scroll down to Chapter 7.

-Chapter 2-
You put the microwave on top of the fridge on go on your merry way. Day in and day out you eat like a bachelor. Because you are. You are a single guy living the dream! You eat chili from a can! You cook chicken on a Foreman Grill! Is it popping or sizzling? It must be done and ready to eat! And do you bother to clean any of your appliances? Hell no! Why would you? No one but your bachelor friends are around and they’re not judging you. But one day, as you look up,  you realize there are quite a few drippings and crust building up inside the microwave.
Do you clean the microwave? If no, keep reading. If yes, scroll down to Chapter 7.

-Chapter 3-
You examine the stalagmites and stalactites growing larger inside your microwave oven, but decide these machines are built to withstand grime and you put your bowl of chili in to cook. If anything, its like the other small appliances in your kitchen. Your unwashed coffee pot adds so much flavor to the next cup of joe! Every bit of food stuck to the Foreman Grill is just seasoning for the next batch of chicken! Yum!

There is something about living the single life, though, that starts to bring you down. And you happen to notice that your neighbor is quite a catch. Like, a serious catch. Like, steal-your-heart-most-amazing-girl-you’ve-ever-met kind of catch. So you start dating her. Not only are you falling in love with her, but you are falling in love with her five pound chihuahua, too. Life is great.
Move along to Chapter 4.

-Chapter 4-
Your new girlfriend has fallen hard for you, too. But she likes things clean. Like, clean enough to avoid food poisoning. So when she notices the inch of crust caked on your George Foreman Grill she insists you throw it away. But, she doesn’t say much about the microwave. You ignore the fact she is only 5 foot 1 and probably can’t see inside the microwave and pretend like it must not be that bad. You keep living the dream and when you aren’t having a nicely prepared dinner with your girlfriend, you are cooking that chili till it pops and sizzles.

About a year has passed and you just shacked over at your girlfriend’s apartment. After having your morning coffee you return to your apartment to start your workday. Since your girlfriend has to go into her office and you can work from home, you offer to take the chihuahua with you so she isn’t lonely all day. What a nice boyfriend you are! You make sure the chihuahua is nicely settled on the couch in your living room, you get dressed and begin working. As lunch time approaches and your stomach is growling with hunger you decide to take a break and heat up some leftovers. Something isn’t right though. You quickly realize the microwave is on fire.
Do you put out the fire? If no, keep reading. If yes, scroll down to Chapter 8.

-Chapter 5-
A fire! Holy shit! The microwave is on fire! You are paralyzed for a second, uncertain about what to do. And then you run. You run to the living room, grab the chihuahua and haul ass out of the apartment. But wait! The microwave is still burning. You are officially freaking out. You leave the chihuahua in the hallway and re-enter your apartment. This might be the point where you realize that putting the microwave on top of the fridge was stupid. You grab the spray nozzle from the sink and try to hose down the flames, but it doesn’t reach. So you fill a coffee cup with water several times, throwing the liquid on the fire. While its still simmering, you decide you should also unplug the appliance. Finally, the fire is out. You stop and take a deep breath, but it smells awful inside the apartment. No dog could be exposed to that smell, especially one that is so small and cuddly as the one patiently waiting outside your apartment door. Making sure the appliance is cool to the touch, you haul it away to the dumpster in the parking lot. The dog watches every step you make, as if she is going to report back to your girlfriend as soon as she gets home from work.
Do you tell your girlfriend about the fire? If yes, keep reading. If no, scroll down to Chapter 9.

-Chapter 6-
You pick up the dog with one arm and your phone with the other. You dial your girlfriend and when she answers you say “Hey! So, everything is totally fine now, but I need to tell you something.” You can almost hear her breathing stop on the other end of the line before you dive into the story about how you set your microwave on fire. What you don’t hear is the smirking on her end of the line when she hears how you decided it was time to throw the cave of bacteria away in the dumpster. You explain that you are going to take the dog over to her apartment to finish working for the day since it smelled so bad. She falls more in love with you and anxiously awaits your proposal.
Do you propose? If yes, scroll to chapter 10. If no, scroll to chapter 11. 

-Chapter 7-
Way to go! Smart decision! You are officially grown up and responsible and any girl would be thrilled to marry you.

-Chapter 8-
Whew a fire! That’s some scary shit! You must have learned a lesson or two after the time you had a grease fire on your stove and had to call your mom long distance to find out how to handle the situation. Pat on your back for knowing what to do this time around!

-Chapter 9-
Seriously? You aren’t going to tell your girlfriend? You are a dumbass. Your apartment stinks so bad right now she can probably smell it three miles away in her office. She is sure-as-hell going to smell it when she comes home later. Go back to Chapter 6.

-Chapter 10-
Duh! No. You don’t. You don’t propose. That would be too easy. Move on to Chapter 11.

-Chapter 11-
You are madly in love with her, but she’s going to be waiting a long time for that proposal. At least four more years! In fact, you will probably go through two coffee makers and another microwave before you pop the big question. So you continue on, living the dream with your girlfriend, chihuahua and new kitchen appliances.

— If you are a fan of Choose Your Own Adventure tales, I have another one here: Choose Your Own Adventure: Pantry of Danger

2 thoughts on “Choose Your Own Adventure: Mystery of the Microwave

  1. Hilarious!!! I am completely addicted to your stories. Who knew Brad Pitt was only the second best writer in the relationship.

    • Thank you!! So glad you like it! I crack myself up so its nice to know other people are getting a good laugh too. Thanks for the kind words 🙂


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