Choose Your Own Adventure: Mystery of the New Orleans Long John

Yesterday I took my nephew to lunch and treated him to beignets afterward. I can’t help but reminisce about New Orleans anytime I eat a beignet. Obviously, its a natural response. But one of my New Orleans experiences is far more memorable than I could have asked for. I decided to put it in a Choose Your Own Adventure style post to share it with you. Here goes ….


Choose Your Own Adventure: Mystery of the New Orleans Long John
Kansas City/New Orleans – You are in your mid-20s and in grad school. Your sister is also in college and her spring break overlaps your holiday break. You are in desperate need for a girls getaway.

-Chapter 1-
You wake up on a Sunday morning, not unlike any other Sunday morning, and sit down with the local newspaper and a fresh pot of coffee. By the time you are on your second cup of joe, you have grabbed your laptop and are playing around on travel sites like Expedia and Priceline. Just for shits and grins, you start plugging in low ball bids for hotels in New Orleans using your upcoming spring break dates. By the time you are feeling the caffeine buzz of your third (maybe fourth) cup of coffee you plug in a bid that might actually get accepted.
Do you hit submit? If yes, continue reading. If no, scroll down to Chapter 8.

-Chapter 2-
You hit submit. Your heart is racing, but you aren’t sure if its out of anticipation for Priceline’s verdict or if you’ve had far too much coffee. Deep down you are kind of hoping you get another rejection because you haven’t really checked with your sister on how serious she really is about a spring break trip. But the other part of you hopes for a yes. Time seems to be at a standstill as the little icon spins away determining the answer. Bam! You win! Your bid has been accepted. You fall over yourself in disbelief and have a moment of “Oh Shit. I can’t believe it got accepted.” You pick up the phone and dial your sister. When she answers the first thing you say is “We are going to New Orleans.” Silence on the other end of the phone. Then screaming. It is on! This trip is going to kick some major ass.

Spring break arrives and you jump in the car with your sister. You make a pit stop in Memphis on the way down. You know good and well you have a few days of partying ahead of you on Bourbon St.
Do you keep the night calm and low key in Memphis? If no, keep reading. If yes, scroll down to Chapter 9.

-Chapter 3-
Its spring break bitches! You are going to par-tay! And party you did. The night involved free drinks galore, beers with homeless men, goats drinking beer, singing at a dueling piano bar, falling over while taking photos and testing out pepper spray on the way back to the hotel. You know, just in case you have to use it later, you want to be sure it works. It was a grand night.
Do you continue on to New Orleans or do you stay in Memphis for another night? If you stay in Memphis, scroll to Chapter 10. If you continue on to New Orleans continue reading.

-Chapter 4-
Of course you continue to New Orleans. You Pricelined your hotel which means its already paid for and you don’t want to be out all of that money. Your sister isn’t feeling too hot but you make it there in one piece and check in. The first night is a bit tame, thanks to the hangovers from the night before. But the second night things kicked up a notch.

As you are walking down Bourbon St you are solicited by a “gentleman” standing next to a gated alleyway. He offers you free admission to the club at the end of the alley. A club featuring male dancers.
Do you accept the free admission and follow the side alley back to the bar? If yes, continue reading. If no, scroll to Chapter 11.

-Chapter 5-
Hell yes you accept the free admission. You are young, you are invincible and you are in New Orleans. Arm in arm, you make your way toward the club. Music blasting, you see a few of the dancers cruising along on top of the stages around the club. Like any good strip club, seats are scattered along the stage for up-close-and-personal viewing.
Do you sit next to the stage/bar where the performers will be within inches of your innocent eyes? If yes continue reading. If No, scroll to chapter 12.

-Chapter 6-
Why not? You sit down and grab a drink. The experience has begun. Nothing too crazy going on, just nearly-naked men drenched in baby oil swinging their hips around and showing off their less-than-speedo style apparel. The two drink minimum is hitting you and your bladder needs to be relieved. Do you leave your sister at the bar while you run to the ladies room? If yes continue reading. If no scroll to Chapter 13.

-Chapter 7-
You run to the bathroom and hurry back as quickly as possible so that (1) your younger sister isn’t left alone too long in the shady back alley male strip club and (2) you don’t miss anything good. Thank goodness you rushed back! As soon as you are within eye shot of your seats, you see one of the dancers waltz across the stage toward your sister. She is all smiles, having a grand ol’ time, sipping away on her third drink and laughing at the evening’s events. As you get closer, you see the dancer open up the towel he has wrapped around his tiny waist and make thrusting movements toward your sister.

The world comes to a halt. Her eyes are as big as saucers. Her jaw hits the bar. She sits there stunned. The thrusting stops, the towel goes back around the tiny waist and the dancer moves along. By this time, you are finally back to your seat and your sister is speechless. She can barely explain to you that the greased up stripper was not sporting a banana hammock like the other dancers in the club. Full on nudity was shoved in your innocent sister’s face.
Do you laugh? If no, scroll down to chapter 14. If yes, scroll down to chapter 15.

-Chapter 8-
You decide  your impulsive behavior is fueled by too much coffee and rethink the radical idea to book a trip. You put the laptop down and walk away. And you go on to lead a very boring, dull life with no fun stories to tell. If you want to change  your mind and hit submit, you are allowed to scroll back up and continue reading from Chapter 2. (Highly recommend going to Chapter 2.)

-Chapter 9-
You made it all the way to Memphis and despite the fact your hotel is near Beale Street, a land of fun-filled-opportunities, you decide to stay in. You aren’t sure why you are doing this and you are pretty sure you are going to miss out on a raucous first night of Spring Break. But whatever floats  your boat. Have fun staying in, sucker. Hope there is something good on television. And hope you don’t ever have to use your pepper spray because if you stay in you won’t have had the chance to practice using it at the end of the night.

-Chapter 10-
Staying in Memphis. Well, it seems like a good idea but what about all the money you prepaid on the New Orleans hotel through Priceline? Oh yeah you forgot about that part, huh dumbass? Go back up to Chapter 4 so you can get in the car and finish your road trip to New Orleans.

-Chapter 11-
No male strippers tonight? Why not? You are on Spring Break. In New Orleans. And no one is going to know what you did unless you decide to blog about it later. Just go down the alley and gather a lifetime worth of stories. Go back and keep reading.

-Chapter 12-
No one is going to believe that you avoided front row seats. Give up the act prissy. Take a seat next to the bar and keep reading from Chapter 6.

-Chapter 13-
Wow you must have the bladder of a camel. Impressive. If you want to avoid peeing your pants in the near future, a trip to the ladies room is highly recommended. If you hurry, you won’t miss a thing. Run on to the bathroom and hurry back. Move back to chapter 7.

-Chapter 14-
You are so worried your sister has been blinded by the sight of the baby-oiled-man-missing-a-banana-hammock that you can’t bring yourself to laughter. That may make you a good big sister. But it may also mean you have no sense of humor. And a serious strong will to avoid the giggles. This is definitely not you. No, not at all. Skip to Chapter 15 and let it all out.

-Chapter 15-
It is far too funny not to laugh. You can’t contain yourself and howls of laughter fill the club. Your sister is finally able to gather herself together, return to reality and she starts giggling, too. And now every time you see a beignet you are reminded of New Orleans. And when you think of New Orleans, you can’t help but see the expression on your sister’s face when the male dancer showed off his long john right in front of her. A donut is a donut, but a beignet is a much better way to experience New Orleans.

8 thoughts on “Choose Your Own Adventure: Mystery of the New Orleans Long John

  1. Best Spring Break ever! Shoot, best road trip ever! No…BEST VACATION EVER!!! Let’s do it again!

  2. Wasn’t this also the trip with the sketchy hotel that had underwear hanging from the bathroom doorknob?

    • No. That was another trip. I somehow manage to have very successful travels. Wonder what kind of excitement I will have on the next trip?!?

  3. Thank goodness we are NOT responsible for our grown children, huh??? And thank the Lord they are all still safe!!


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