Last week I ordered the Orange is the New Black book, but didn’t tell Brad Pitt. I didn’t want to feel guilty about breaking the budget and the fact that I have three un-read memoirs already sitting on my nightstand. I couldn’t resist. We finished Season 1 a couple weeks ago and I don’t want to wait for Netflix to drip out the next season.
I’ve been pouncing on the mailman as soon as he hits our front porch hoping I could get the book inside without anyone (ie: Brad Pitt) noticing. It arrived yesterday. The one day Brad Pitt beat me to the mailbox.
I was actually busy in the kitchen when he went out to get the mail. When he got back inside, he didn’t say a word so I figured everything was good to go. Later, though, I saw the book sitting on the dining room table. Unwrapped. In plain sight. This frustrated me because (1) he obviously found out about my secret order. And, (2) he opened my mail. Isn’t that a criminal offense?
I decided that since he hadn’t said anything about it, I would play coy and pretend surprised to see the book. What?!? Orange is the New Black memoir?!? Thank you so much! I totally wanted that book! How did you know?!
I was fully prepared for my Oscar winning performance when he brushed past me in the kitchen and announced “Your lesbian prison friend arrived in the mail today.” But my fake surprised reaction didn’t work. He just looked at me and said “Katie, I know you ordered it. It had your name on the to-and-from lines.” To which I said “Maybe somebody secretly sent it to me and didn’t want their name listed as sender?” and he just walked away. Then I tried arguing that it was illegal to open other people’s mail and he said “Not if you’re married.” And I said “That doesn’t make it legal.” And he said “Whatever Katie. It doesn’t matter anyway. I knew you were going to order it. You told me a few weeks ago you were going to buy it.”
I totally forgot. I did tell him that. And he was totally fine with me ordering another memoir to sit on my nightstand. Brad Pitt is the best. I would totally throw my pie for him.*
*If this quote makes no sense to you then you are obviously missing out on one of the best shows of all time. Get on Netflix and watch Orange is the New Black. You can thank me later, Dandelion.
Maybe the next time you see your new policeman friend hanging around the kitchen of one of your (many) favorite restaurants you can ask him if its illegal to open someone else’s mail.
BTW, can I borrow the book when you are finished?
She should probably just let you read it first. If it sits unread on the nightstand too long water might spill on it 🙂
Hahahaha!! Kristen, you are too funny! That night stand of hers is definitely a flood just waiting to happen.
bahahahaha! i spilled water last night so all the glasses have been removed. we should be good to go for at least a week. but yes you can borrow the book.