I’m not quite sure how it started but a few years ago I decided I was going to make sure my mom liked squirrels. She had many names for squirrels leading up to this, many of which I can’t put in writing because I’m a lady and a lady doesn’t say filthy words.
The first gift I bestowed upon her was a children’s book titled Those Darn Squirrels! I found it while visiting the Mall of America and added it to my “Save for Christmas Gifts” pile when I returned home.
Since then it seems like squirrels pop up everywhere … ornaments, hand towels, garden decor, t shirts, etc etc. I find random squirrel shit all over the place and buy it for her. I am certain she likes it because she has everything on display. She has yet to throw anything away or hide it in a drawer. She even wears the squirrel shirt I custom designed for her … its a Squirrel-Mizzou Tiger hybrid. Pretty awesome and she can totally wear it on game days.
Her birthday is coming up, so when my friend Judy posted this on Facebook, I pounced on it:
While these rodent-sized-man-panties are fantastic on their own, the best part about adding them to your Amazon shopping cart is all the suggested items they display for you in response. Things like:
A Yodeling PIckle (because why wouldn’t you own a yodeling pickle?!?)
Canned Unicorn Meat (most likely the foie gras version of Spam!)
and an Emergency Underwear Dispenser (I’m totally getting this for Brad Pitt’s stocking this year so he can test as many farts as he wants without any worry!)
That is just the beginning of awesomeness. The one suggestion that evoked a “Fuck Yeah” response from deep inside my inner soul was this piece of magic:
A squirrel mask. “Fits most adult heads.” I don’t think it comes with the pitch fork which is a shame because when I sneak into my parents’ house in the middle of the night wearing the mask, I think the pitch fork would really add a nice dramatic effect.
My mom’s birthday is going to be great this year.