Choose Your Own Adventure: Danger on the Rooftop

Choose Your Own Adventure: Danger on the Rooftop
Kansas City – You are Brad Pitt and you believe with all your manliest parts that you can tackle all home improvement projects.

-Chapter 1-
Ahhh. The beauty of home ownership! You have mastered the skill of mowing the lawn (Who are we kidding?!? Mowing the lawn?!? A child can do that task!) No. You have accomplished serious handiwork. You have installed drywall, you have updated light fixtures, you have replaced toilets. So when you notice the flashing around the exhaust pipe on your roof needs some repair, you jump to the challenge. You gear up, stuff all your supplies into a backpack, grab your ladder and charge toward the side of the house. The ladder, however, is not tall enough. It doesn’t even reach the gutter.
Do you try another side of the house? Scroll to chapter 2.
Do you borrow a larger ladder from a friend? Scroll down to Chapter 3.

Do you give up and hire a professional to repair the roof? Scroll to Chapter 4.

-Chapter 2-
Well that didn’t work. You didn’t realize how tall your house was until the ladder didn’t even reach the gutter line. So you grab the ladder with all your muscles and saunter toward the front porch. The porch roof is much lower and transitions nicely toward the roof on the side of the house and the ladder snugs up quite nicely against the eave. You climb on top of the porch and make your way toward the side of the house. From this vantage point, you are a bit surprised at how steep the roof actually is on the side of your house. But you are certain you can climb up and shimmy your way toward the pipe. You pull yourself onto the roof and start to slide over. But the pipe is SO far away. You scoot back and plop yourself back down onto the lower porch roof and then climb down the ladder. You have to find a way to get closer to the pipe.
Do you borrow a larger ladder from a friend? Scroll down to Chapter 3.
Do you give up and hire a professional to repair the roof? Scroll to Chapter 4.

-Chapter 3-
You call a fellow-homeowner-friend and request the use of a tall ladder. He is more than happy to oblige and offers you the tallest ladder you’ve ever seen in your life. Bingo! It fits! You have cleared the gutter on the side of the house and are about ten feet directly underneath the pipe. With a leap of faith, you remove your feet from the top rung, hustle up the roof and reach for the pipe. Ever so slightly, the pipe bends.
Do you start to freak out? If yes, scroll to chapter 5. If no, scroll to chapter 6.

-Chapter 4-
A professional? Ha! You laugh out loud at the idea. You are a MAN. Brilliant. Strong. Brave. And, dammit, good looking, too. You have no need for a professional roofer. You can handle this yourself. Scroll back up where you left off in the story.

-Chapter 5-
Oh. Huh. Wow. The pipe is kind of moving. That was a bit unexpected. In your master plan that pipe was going to offer a little moral and physical support while you tackled the gap in the flashing. But the pipe is not stable. And most definitely not stable enough for your hunk of a body. You start to freak out but you don’t want to get too emotional. You call down to your wife who is on the ground, patiently holding the ladder and keeping a watchful eye on you.
You: Uh. This pipe is bending.
Your wife: What do you mean the pipe is bending?
You: I mean, its bending. I can’t lean against it. I’m afraid I might fall.
Your wife: Well, come down then.
You: I can’t.
Your wife: You can’t?
You: I can’t. I can’t! The roof is too steep. If I move down toward the ladder I’m afraid I will slip and fall off the roof.
Your wife: Are you kidding me? Do you want me to call the fire department?
Do you want your wife to call the fire department? If no, scroll to chapter 7. If yes, scroll to chapter 8.

-Chapter 6-
No need to freak out. You’ve got this. Right? I mean, you’re only a gazillion feet up in the air on a roof that is ridiculously pitched and prepared to throw you to the ground like a rag doll. But you’ve got it.

No, no you don’t. You should probably start freaking out. Scroll back up to chapter 5.

-Chapter 7-
You: No. Don’t call. Shit. I’m totally stuck.
Your wife: Do you want me to call 911? (Her voice is getting louder.)
You: Shit….. Shit…. Shit… Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Your wife: Are you sure you don’t want me to call? Do you want me to call? Should I call?!?
You: Uhhhh, shit. Yeah. Call 911. … and tell them to hurry!

-Chapter 8-
Yeah, you should definitely call 911. You may be manly. And brilliant. And brave. But you aren’t superman. And if you plummet to the ground, what will become of your dashing good looks? You need some help buddy. Suck it up and let your wife call the emergency number. Scroll to chapter 9.

-Chapter 9-
Your heart is racing as you watch your wife reach for her cell phone and dial 911. Beads of sweat start dripping down your neck. You wait and watch as she talks into the phone. “Um, hi my husband is stuck on our roof. I need the fire department.” She waits a few seconds. “Hi, yeah, my husband is stuck on our roof. He needs help getting down….Yeah, its my husband. He is stuck on our roof. Yes. He was trying to repair something.” She gives your address and then you hear her say “Thank you! Oh yeah, please hurry! He wants you to hurry!”

You watch your wife hang up the cell phone. You are looking around for something, anything to hold onto that might offer more stability and peace of mind. Nothing. Just the damn flexible pipe. In the distance you hear the faint sound of a siren. And then you hear a clicking noise. You look down. Your wife is taking pictures of you.
Do you smile for the camera? If yes, scroll to chapter 10. If no, scroll to chapter 11.

-Chapter 10-
Seriously? You are smiling for the camera? Who are you? Moments ago you were fearing for your life. And now you are hamming it up for your crazy wife who decided it was a good opportunity to whip out the camera? No way. Scroll to chapter 11.

-Chapter 11-
Click! Click! Click! Its like the paparazzi is standing below you.

You: Stop taking my fucking picture!
Your wife: But its going to be okay! The firemen are on their way! I can hear them coming!
You: Just stop it! And get the dog inside!

You watch your wife run inside with the dog and come back out in time to greet the firemen. Awesome, you think to yourself. The department sent two trucks. A regular size firetruck and one of those double-banger trucks with firemen steering the truck from the front and the back. Two crews of the best looking firemen in the city jump off the trucks and casually make their way toward the side of the house.

“What is going on here?” asks the first fireman on the scene. “Oh, my husband is stuck. He can’t get down,” says your wife. Professionally, he says, “Alright, lets see what we can do,” and perched from high above, you watch as Fireman Adonis and the rest of the crew carry over a hook ladder. When you look down, you see Fireman Shaq peeking up at you as he snags the hook ladder over the ridge and holds the base in place. Excited to have someone nearby you call down to him and ask “Are you gonna carry me?” He laughs, explains you are on your own and everyone stands below watching and waiting.
Do you climb down the hook ladder toward Fireman Shaq? If no, scroll to chapter 12. If yes, scroll to chapter 13.

-Chapter 12-
You obviously aren’t thinking clearly. The fear of falling has set in and the pressure of having two crews of firemen watching you has made your brain explode. You reach over to the hook ladder, position your fit on a rung and you start climbing up higher. Toward the top of the house. Fireman Shaq yells “What are you doing? Climb down! Climb down!” and you realize your mistake. You put things in reverse, slowly make your way toward the gutter and allow Fireman Shaq to help you position your feet on the rung of the next (and final) ladder to safety. Scroll down to chapter 14.

-Chapter 13-
Of course you climb toward Shaq. You are trying to get down. Not up. Duh. Good job. Pat yourself on the back! You’re almost there. Scroll down to chapter 14 to plant your feet on the ground.

-Chapter 14-
You made it! You are safe on the ground. Breathing with relief and a huge smile on your face, you look around. All of your neighbors have magically appeared at the edge of your driveway, watching and clapping and smiling for you. Adonis Fireman asks your wife why you are wearing a backpack and gloves. When she explains the backpack was for supplies and the gloves for stability, he doesn’t seem as impressed as you thought he might be. In fact, none of the firemen seem that impressed. No. As you look around, you realize most of them are having trouble making eye contact with you. Oh man. As they drive away, you realize you have to do something to redeem yourself. Thank goodness you weren’t still wearing your bike helmet and climbing shoes like you did during the first attempt up the roof.
Do you take a gift of gratitude to the fire department? If no, scroll to chapter 15. If yes, scroll to chapter 16.

-Chapter 15-
Come on! Adonis, Shaq and the team risked life and limb to help you off the roof. Think of how difficult it must have been to turn that double-banger firetruck around the tight corner on your street. The least you can do is take them a little something. Plus you want to be able to show your face around town, don’t you? Yeah, thought so. Scroll to chapter 16 to redeem yourself.

-Chapter 16-
You decide the best way to redeem yourself and reward the hometown heroes is with the hometown brew. So, you grab your wallet and your dignity and drop by the fire station with a case of Boulevard. Not only did the guys at the fire station seem to appreciate your gesture, but you realized you could walk away feeling proud of yourself and just as manly and brilliant as ever.sideroof.jpg

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4 thoughts on “Choose Your Own Adventure: Danger on the Rooftop

  1. Oh, Love it!! You never disappoint! πŸ™‚ The twins were asking me why I was laughing so much!!

    • Awesome!! Glad you enjoyed it!! We have shared that story so many times but never in Choose Your Own Adventure style. Life around here is never dull.

  2. Brilliant post. I wish you posted this 3 months ago. I did indeed fall off a ladder and spent the last 3 months in a wheelchair. Should have called the fire department. Thanks for the tip for future reference.

    • oh man! that is terrible! to be honest, the only reason “brad pitt” was willing to call the fire department is because he fell 20+ feet off a baseball backstop in high school and broke all the bones in both of his feet. he was stuck in a wheelchair for months on end, too. its a long recovery. you guys can relate to each other! hope you are healing up okay and get well soon!

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