Did I ever tell you about the bean eating contest that I witnessed when I was at the Kentucky State BBQ Festival?
No, I did not enter the contest. I like baked beans. But there is no way in hell I would have done this contest. The beans were straight from a can and were cold. The thought alone grossed me out.
But I did grab a front row seat to catch all the action. I plopped my trusty Dick’s Sporting Goods $5 camp chair right in front of the stage so I wouldn’t miss a thing.
With some coaxing, the festival planners managed to gather a group of about ten participants. A couple young girls, some boys, and a few grown men competed against each other to see who could eat the most baked beans in three minutes. The reigning champion appeared at the last moment. He was a big guy wearing camouflage and a spotted king’s crown and royal cape. The entire get-up kind of reminded me of Duck Dynasty meets 101 Dalmations.
And then the contest began …
Some people used spoons. Others just poured the beans into their mouths. No matter which method they used, watching these poor souls shovel cold canned beans past their lips and into their bellies was absolutely disgusting. In fact, I was so grossed out, I had to move. I picked up my camp chair and bolted to the back of the audience, behind the bleachers, to get the image of their tortured faces out of my brain. It was probably safer to watch from a distance, anyway. With all those beans, who knows what sort of an explosion could have occurred being so close to all the BBQ grills!
At the end of the contest, a new champion was crowned. The guy who won was a retired Marine. He managed to shovel more than eight (!!!!) cups o’ beans into his skinny belly. Not only did he take home a gigantic trophy, but I bet his heart will be healthy for years to come.