I’m typing this with bleach covered fingers to let everyone know that if I am found later with symptoms of the Ebola virus, it is because of whatever was dried up and caked on the bottom of my refrigerator. It has smelled for a week and today I finally, finally started removing expired cottage cheese containers, old condiments, and anything else I could find that might be the cause of the stench.
It was the moment when I pulled out the drawers of the vegetable crisper, when I knew I was in trouble. Far behind, in the very back, was a mound of something. Something so gross and so indiscernible that I blurted out “What the fuck is that?!!?” even though no one was within miles of hearing me and, therefore, able to answer my question.
I cleaned everything as best as I could, but I’m no magician, so when my body is found covered in lesions and gasping for breath, someone should be able to open the fridge and take samples to determine the true cause of my ailments. And hopefully come up with an antidote to counteract my symptoms and return me back to normal.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a boiling hot shower before the plague takes over my body.