Brad Pitt was away on a business trip, so I figured I would surprise him by putting up our Christmas tree. Usually when I’m left behind, I find something fun to do to the house like add new landscaping or paint a room a new color. But I was short on time and the holidays are fast approaching, so the tree just made sense.
Last year after Christmas our tree started fizzling out. One section at a time, the lights would get extremely bright and then — POOF —- they burned out. Initially I just turned the tree around so the burnt lights were on the backside, but by the end of the holiday season a significant portion was dark. I have to say, I’m fine with this because it means I don’t have to go into the attic to get the old tree, I just bought a new one. Sadly though, we now own two trees. One that sucks and one that doesn’t suck. The sucky one is free for the taking. Hit me up if you want it.
I wasn’t cool with the idea of spending a ton of money on a fake tree so I went to Big Lots in search of a cheap one. The only one that satisfied me was $110 and I wasn’t completely satisfied. But I did find this magical masterpiece:
Of course I did not buy it because I was trying to save money (duh!!). And also I don’t want my neighbors to think I’m weird. Plus he looks so miserable. But I am slightly tempted because I think it would be awesome to stick a Shake Weight in his hands and make a sign saying Even Snowmen Make New Years Resolutions! (Which now explains the miserable look on his face.)
Disappointed with the price points I was dealing with, I was left with one option. I had to call my mom. She insisted that Hobby Lobby had the best prices on trees, so I went there. Boy was she wrong. They were all $200 and over. Even with their “half off” sale! I was super irritated that I had wasted my time driving all five miles over to Hobby Lobby and only finding one tree that fit within our budget:
And I found an acceptable tree on sale for less than $100. Not great. But acceptable. And I was so stoked about my new gnome tree topper that I pretty much didn’t care about the tree anyway.
Once I got home and pulled the tree out of the box I was reminded why I treat myself to beer and my favorite Mexican restaurant every time I have to go through the shit show of putting a tree together. It totally sucks. I hate pulling apart each branch on each limb. Plus I think I am allergic to whatever (probably carcinogenic) material the fake leaves are made of because I feel all itchy and weird from touching everything.
Since Brad Pitt was not home, I had a lot of time to think while dealing with the pain in the ass Christmas tree.
Here are my thoughts ….
Seriously? No instructions? Good thing this isn’t my first rodeo. I can totally figure this out.
If I was a Desperate Housewife in Beverly Hills, I would just pay someone to do this for me. Hmmm if I was getting paid for this, would I enjoy it more? No. The answer is no. No, I most definitely would not.
I sure hope Brad Pitt is excited to see the tree when he gets home. And I hope he appreciates it.
I know I should test the lights before I put the whole thing together, but for some reason my brain is telling me its going to be easier to tackle this bitch by adding one section at a time. If I get this entire tree put together with branches carefully plucked and filled out and the lights don’t work, I’m going to freak the fuck out.
I wonder if Hefty makes plastic bags large enough to fit an entire fake Christmas tree inside? That would be awesome if I could slide this puppy into the bag in January and shove the entire thing, completely put together, into the attic so next year I won’t have to go through this trouble.
The tree is made in China. Huh. A bit ironic because I don’t think many Chinese people celebrate Christmas, do they? I mean, all the Chinese restaurants are open on Christmas right? I need to Google this to find out. Okay. Googled. Apparently I was right. And wrong. But mainly right.
Cheers to you, O Christmas Tree!