Unique Holiday Gifts

After a lovely dinner of frozen flat bread pizzas last night, Brad Pitt and I sat across from each other at our kitchen table with a bottle of wine and open laptops and tackled some much needed Christmas shopping. Not only has the internet allowed people to shop without leaving the comforts of their home (or office for those of you who shop on the clock – shame on you, by the way, you should be working!!) but the internet has provided broad access to the most bizarre items that anyone could ever imagine. Things you most definitely do not need, but totally want.

Unique does not even begin to describe some of these gift ideas.

To show you what I mean, I collected a random sample of the “gift ideas” I came across last night.

Let’s start with the butt cleavage undies:

Really? Really?!?! Who in the world would want to wear these? And who would want to look at someone wearing these? Not me. Butt, (<— Butt! Get it!?!? Ha ha ha ha!) apparently someone likes the idea. Enough to offer the panties in various colors and designs.

Super Hero Socks:

Okay. Now we are talking! I would TOTALLY wear these! Especially out jogging. Imagine how fast I would look with these on!!!  In fact, I’m hoping Brad Pitt added some to his shopping cart and I find a pair in my stocking this year. (Wonder Woman please!)

Fried Chicken Candle:

Um… I’m not quite sure about this. But, I think I like it.

Remote Control Mop:

Hell yes.

Grilled Cheesus:

Double Hell Yes. Seriously. Jesus on Grilled Cheese would make for a heavenly lunch.

Ninja Knife Magnets:

You may be asking “Why?” but really you should be asking “Why not?”

Okay…. one last item that I don’t even know that I want to put on my post because I’m so totally, 100% disturbed by this but still in shock it exists and feel like I should share it with you because if I have to suffer through life knowing someone created this, I don’t want to be the only one suffering ….

Natural Harvest Semen-Based Recipes:

Who the fuck would write this book? Who would buy it? Oh, hey mom, you said you wanted new cookbooks this year! Merry Christmas!*

No no no no no no no.

My eyes are burning from seeing this. My brain is burning from having to comprehend the fact that someone wrote this and people may actually buy it. And cook with the recipes? Oh. Hell. No.

Lets go back to the fun stuff. Stuff that doesn’t make you want to crawl into the fetal position and wish you had a time machine to go back to the moment before you became aware of the Natural Harvest recipe book. Like, the moment you discovered the butt cleavage panties. Now those don’t seem so bad, do they?

 

*Mom: Do not worry. I did NOT buy you that cookbook. Or the butt cleavage panties.