I am writing this post with fear of botulism. Or lock jaw. Or whatever happens to you when you open a can and it explodes.
Tonight I popped open a can of artichoke hearts and it exploded juice all over the place. Some juice got inside my mouth because for some reason my mouth was open when I pulled on the lid and everything busted out.
I immediately felt my jaw locking into place. And then I realized when cans explode it is probably from botulism. And my lock jaw subsided and the rest of my body began to feel incredibly weird because I wasn’t sure what botulism actually feels like but I imagined it would make your body tingle and tense up and possibly make you have a heart attack. So that is what my body did.
But when I didn’t pass out or have major heart palpitations or froth at the mouth, I figured I was probably okay. Plus I was very hungry. And I told Brad Pitt what happened and he showed absolutely no concern for my well being. Which probably means things were a-okay.* So I kept cooking and ended up with my standby chicken with artichokes, spinach, tomatoes and angel hair pasta dish. Its good and easy to make. Just make sure you throw away the can of artichokes if it attacks you.
*In hindsight I am realizing that Brad Pitt probably has zero idea what botulism is, the fact it can kill you and what signs to look for in an afflicted person. But I’m still alive so I suppose it is still okay that he showed no concern at the time the can of artichokes exploded into my mouth.