Doused Italian

Last week, Brad Pitt grabbed a sub sandwich from Jimmy John’s. I decided to write down our entire conversation regarding his sandwich. Here is what happened…..


Brad Pitt just returned from Jimmy Johns with a sandwich. (Ugh, Jimmy Johns. “Subs so fast you’ll freak.” Jerks.)italiannightclub

Me: Hey. What did you get?
Brad Pitt: I got the Italian Nightclub.  I had them add dijon and hold the mayo.
Me: I didn’t realize it came with mayo. I thought it had olive oil and vinegar.
Brad Pitt: Yeah, it has that too.

Me: Oh. Well, they usually douse it in oil and vinegar. (said with a smirk and slight look of disgust)
Brad Pitt: Yeah, well I looked at the guy and he didn’t look like a douser.
Me: Humph. Let me see your sandwich.

–Shows me sandwich–

Me: (pausing) Ohhhh. Heh.

Brad Pitt: Are you judging my sandwich?!?!
Me: No.
Brad Pitt: Do you want any?
Me: No.

–A few minutes later–

Me: So, is it doused in oil?
Brad Pitt: No.
Me: Okay let me take a bite. Wait! It has dijon?
Brad Pitt: Do you not like dijon?
Me: Not on my Italian sandwiches.
Brad Pitt: Dijon makes everything wonderful.

–I decide to take a bite–

Brad Pitt: I love your lady like bites. (said sarcastically as I cram the sandwich into my mouth) So, how is it? (said with total confidence and slightly smug undertone)
Me: Fine.
Brad Pitt: Fine? I wasted a bite on fine?
Me: Yep.
Brad Pitt: Are you live blogging this? Stop. Stop now.

–I ignore Brad Pitt and continue typing–

Me: Let me have another bite.
Brad Pitt: For the record you’ve gone from a hater to a believer.
Me: Sure, whatever, now, can I have another bite?

–For the record, I most definitely did not go “from a hater to a believer.” I still hate Jimmy Johns because they drive like assholes in our neighborhood. And I don’t think you should add dijon to an Italian sandwich. But I decided after the first bite that I was hungry so I was going to cram as much sandwich into my mouth as possible without him taking it away.)



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