This morning Brad Pitt managed to stick my iPhone in his pocket before he went to work. So, not only did he move me across the country to a city and state where I don’t know a single soul, but I am now cut off from the rest of the world as I know it. I’ve already emailed my mother to let her know about my predicament because I am certain that today would be the day she would have some seriously important news to share with me but she can’t because I don’t have my phone.
Since he walked off with my phone there have been a number of things worth sharing with someone, but I can’t, because I don’t have a phone to call or text. So I am going to chronicle those moments here.
First, I would have called or texted someone to tell them Brad Pitt took my phone. But, again, that would not work.
Second, I would tell someone that I tried to email Brad Pitt and notify him that I was on my way to his office to get the phone, but I was not dressed for the day so he needed to meet me outside. I was a hot mess of ugliness and pajamas. And I had limited time to retrieve the phone because we were expecting a maintenance person at some point this week (—- this week —- not today, not this morning, but this week, so I have to be ready at all times just in case someone shows up at the door with a paint brush and ladder) and I was terrified I would be in the shower when they arrived.
Next, I would have texted Brad Pitt to let him know that “Whoa, close call, the maintenance guy showed up right as I was stepping out of the shower. Not naked anymore. All is good. And wall is fixed.”
Then I would have called my mom to complain about the fact that I have to get a new drivers license in Pennsylvania and the DMV requires a ridiculous amount of identification… because I don’t have a passport (what the fuck is wrong with me?) I will need the original copy of my birth certificate. You know, the paper copy with a raised seal? Yeah, the DMV obviously has not figured out that today’s generation is accustomed to having everything saved digitally. I could only hope that said birth certificate was hiding in the same place the needed social security card might also be hiding.
And then I found both my birth certificate and social security card in the same place! Holy Shit. For the first time in my life, putting something away in the same place every single time and making sure it was appropriately marked during a move across the country paid off. Of course, I would call someone to brag about this but I can’t because Brad Pitt took my phone with him to the office today so I’m cut off from the world.
I also found my marriage certificate so I can explain to the folks at the DMV why my name on my birth certificate doesn’t match my name now. You know they are going to ask. Definitely worth a text message, at the very least.
Right about now I would text someone (my mom or my Seeester) to bitch about the fact that lunch is quickly approaching and not only do I have to go up to the DMV to take care of this stupid shit, but I also want to get tacos for Taco Tuesday but I can’t because I don’t have a phone and therefore can’t take photos of my lunch and therefore it would be a wasted taco.
Then I would probably text Brad Pitt and say something like “Really wish I had my fucking phone right about now.”
Then I would probably log into Facebook and the internet just to see what is going on in the world. Even though I can do that using my laptop. I would probably check using my phone, too.
Then I would text Brad Pitt and ask if he wanted to go out for Taco Tuesday after he gets off work today. And then I would regret sending that text because really I just want to go for lunch. But in reality I can’t because I don’t have a phone to take pictures with.
Ugh. What a predicament. What did people do before the iPhone? Today I am going to find out.
Apparently Brad Pitt is going to meet me outside his office in ten minutes to give me my phone back. I would text someone to let them know how excited I am, but I can’t.