Ahhh! The Vulgar Chef hits another one out of the park. He really had me at “The Horse Mouth” guy who chomps his food, mouth wide-open, for the world to see everything he will eventually swallow into his belly.
This post reminded me of Iowa. Let me tell you about Iowa.
Brad Pitt and I were road tripping from Missouri to Wisconsin about five years ago and we had to make a Pitt Stop for lunch. We stopped at the only place anyone can find everywhere in the world: McDonalds. Needing a break from the confines of our car, we decided to dine inside the fancy establishment. And boy did we get more than we could have ever bargained for …. Everyone eating at that McDonalds in that small town in Iowa on that particular day was chewing with their mouth open.
Every. Single. Person.
And not just chewing with mouth open. Chewing with mouth WIDE open.
Let me tell you something….
I watched a teenage girl put a couple french fries in her mouth, begin to chew and A FRY FELL OUT OF HER MOUTH and onto the table.I nearly fell out of my chair. Neither Brad Pitt or I had ever witnessed such atrocity.
Thanks to this experience, Iowa has taken on new meaning in our relationship. It is no longer a state of the union. It is a state of being. And we call it when we see it, to warn the other person ….
“Straight ahead, my 12 o’clock, got a family from Iowa enjoying their dinner.”Yuck.
I can’t stand Iowa.
They say you can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear or the car they drive. Or some stupid shit like that. You want to really get to know a person? Follow another food asshole in a food environment. You’ll get a magical first hand look at just how fucked some idiots are. The world is jam packed with food idiots looking to turn your food endeavor into a real fuck of a time.
The Last Slice Loser
We all know one. I understand someone has to have the last slice but fuck this dude. The last slice bandit 9 times out of 10 is the first person to the pizza when it arrives. Another signature move of this cheese addicted think for them selfer is to grab 7+ slices right out of the gate, back at the pizza box for seconds before some have even…
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PigTales 
“Pitt stop”—-heh, heh, how long did you giggle after you typed that little gem?
(Oh, and to all of our friends from Iowa, she doesn’t mean you).
I say Pitt Stop all the time. You must not be paying attention. 🙂